Midnight: A Twilight Parody
by xxWritingGirlxx
Summary: My take on Twilight, the story of Bella Duck, who is trying to make that angsty vampire Edwardo Sullen fall in love with her. Rated T for my paranoia. It's funny... I hope! :) Please R&R! :) COMPLETE.
1. First Night

**A/N: I know there are a lot of Twilight parodies out there… but this is my take on it! Reviews are appreciated! Entertaining flames are acceptable too! **** Enjoy! **

Of three things I was absolutely positive:

1. Edwardo was a vampire.

2. There was a part of him- and I don't know how dominant that part might be- that hated apples.

3. That I was unconditionally, irrevocably, undoubtedly, incredibly, undeniably, fantastically, amazing, definitely, crazily, possessively, in love with him. Especially since I knew him for more than 5 seconds.

* * *

I drove myself to the airport, carrying a parka. The parka was so I would blend in. I was also wearing a lace shirt.

Remember that, it has nothing to do with the rest of the story.

Renee had begged me not to go to Knives, a small town where she used to live with my dad Charles.

Flashback:

"_Mom, I'm going to Knives! Truth be told, I don't know why I'm making this clearly selfless sacrifice, but someone's got to do it!" Mom had looked at me for a while and pleaded, _

_ "Ok! Make sure you get yourself VERY well acquainted with what the town Knives is named after!" _

Poor Mom, she was in denial.

I hated Knives. It was rainy all the time. I barely went outside in Phoenix anyway, making me look like an albino from lack of sun, but rain made my angst seem more depressing.

I did enjoy all those summers with Charles- I mean, Dad- though.

Flashback:

"_Hi, Annabella," Char-I mean, Dad- greeted me. _

_ "I go by Bella," I said, despite reminding him of this every single time I visited him. _

_ "Cool." _

_ "Cool." _

_ "Welp, I'm going fishing the whole week you're visiting so you can have the whole house to yourself. This is a special privilege I give you every year, and I expect you to have a werewolf boyfriend when I come back," Charles said, "Also, there's knives on the counter for future reference." _

_ "Ok," I answered. _

_ "Ok," Charles said. _

_ "…"_

_ "…"_

_ "…" I said back._

_ "…"_

_ "…"_

_ "Well, that was a nice chat. I'll be off now!" Charles called. _

I hadn't made him proud yet, but who knows?

Anyway, Renee had lost her keys, her license, and her car, (typical Mom) so I had to drive myself to the airport.

Before I left, I gave her new husband Will all the emergency numbers, instructions to childproof the house and to make sure Mom didn't run away. What? He was cheaper than a baby-sitter.

Charles picked me up in his police car, baring flashing lights. I tripped on the ground, fell, got up, and then tripped again on the smooth floor and fell into his car. I get my clumsiness from my dad: as a child he used to push me down the stairs. I think my head got hit, too, which explains a lot.

As the police Chief Duck, Charles's car was beyond embarrassing. The only car more embarrassing would be an orange pick-up truck.

"Do you have a werewolf boyfriend yet?" Charles asked, narrowing his eyes.

"Well… not yet," I admitted.

"You haven't changed a bit… nerd," Charles muttered. Our family is famous for muttering, sighing, and twitching.

"Well, what if I decided to date, say, a pale person?" I questioned.

"I would disown you," Charles said quickly. Great.

"Um…" I started, not quite sure what to say to that.

"So… how's Renee? Did she get divorced from that guy Will yet?" Charles said eagerly. I flashed him a strange look.

"They just got married a week ago when I realized someone would have to watch over Renee when I'm gone…"

"Oh." Charles looked disappointed, "Well, I have a car for you! It was going to be a convertible, but since your mother isn't divorced and you still don't have a wolf boyfriend, I got you a different car."

"What kind of car?" I said suspiciously.

"An orange pick-up truck! I got it from Killy, remember him?" Charles said fondly, "He and his son Jacob Brown live in La Shove." Oh, shit, I remembered him. I was trying to get hallucinations by jumping off a cliff and injuring myself, but instead I'd accidently pushed Killy. He's been in a wheelchair ever since.

"No, I don't," I lied, my face turning bright red.

"Killy used to go fishing with me in the summer, while you stayed home to fend for yourself! Ah, great memories. That guy can kill all the fish in the lake! One time, he turned into a wolf and murdered pale people… oh, those were the days!"

Wolves and I didn't exactly see eye to eye. They always wanted to make sure I didn't date pale people.

Flashback:

"_Bella, don't date an oddly pale person. Ever!" Killy cried. _

_ "Why?" I asked. _

_ "Imagine what would happen if one left you! There would be blank pages with nothing but the names of the months on them!" _

When we got to his house, the pick-up truck waited for me.

"Gee, Dad, I… um… love it," I lied. Charles smiled, clearly happen.

"Well, I saw this junky, piece of crap car and I thought of you!" Charles explained, grinning. I absorbed the compliment and smiled.

When I got to my bedroom, I noticed it looked almost exactly the same. The only change was that he had placed garlic and a wooden stake on the window sill. Hmm…

One of the best things about Charles is that he doesn't care that much about my life. So when I sobbed, banged on the bed, and screamed, "I HATE KNIVES!" he didn't think anything of it.

Breakfast with Charles was awkward. I took over since the only things Charles can do are go fishing and watch sports. I started cooking after he burned the breakfast cereal.

I headed off to school in my truck. Holy vamp! No, seriously, what was wrong with this school? Where were the full body scanners, the torture chambers?

I introduced myself to the lady at the front desk, and she immediately loved me, as everyone always does.

"Can I help you?" she asked, smiling. Wow, I'd already made a friend. Maybe Knives wouldn't be so bad.

"Oh, I don't need help, I'm a Mary Sue and all," I explained. She gave me a strange look and went back to reading papers.

I went to the classroom. The teacher Mr. Mason gawked at me when I sat down in a random seat. It said "Sara". Obviously Mr. Mason was dazzled by my brilliance. Another friend? Jeez, I was popular.

Some guy named Eric said hi to me, obviously trying to start a beautiful romance. I sat down at his table to humor him. A girl kept chattering on and on and I blocked her out. Eric was talking too.

"-and that's when I decided no albino girl was worth my time."

"Hey, who are they?" I interrupted the girl who kept talking. I pointed in the direction of 5 impossibly skinny and pale people. They were inhumanly gorgeous. One of them had bronze hair and was like marble and looked like an angel… remember that, that description will be used throughout the whole book.

"Oh, them," the girl said, and I remembered her name was Jenna.

"They're what Stephanie Meyer wishes her husband looked like- I mean, they're the Sullens. Emmett and Rosalie, Jasper and Alice, and Edwardo, who's single. They all live with Dr. Sullen. They're all anorexic albino robbers; they're always stealing everyone's body glitter. Even the parents," Jenna explained. I didn't hear her past the "Edwardo is single" part.

"Is Edwardo the ridiculously hot one who looks kind of like a Gary Stu?" I asked.

"That's him. He asked me out, but I turned him down. Well, ok, he didn't exactly ask me out, I stalked him and he kicked me out of his house. But, really, don't waste your time! I think he might be gay. I mean, who could resist me?" Jenna cried.

I knew what I had to do. Edwardo Sullen, be prepared to be the Gary Stu to my Mary Sue- I mean, the robber to my… whatever personality traits I have!


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Yay, another chapter! I like updating fast :) **

I was thinking of (what else) Edwardo on the way to science class. Thank god I met Edwardo, because what else would I have to cure my boredom other than obsess over him? I was so busy doing it I was late to class.

"Bella," the science teacher greeted, "every other seat is taken so conveniently, you will sit next to Edwardo."

The way he held his nose in disgust and sprayed Febreze everywhere told me all I needed to know- surely he was in love with me. I could tell he cared from the special way he glared at me.

When I got to the office after school, I noticed Edwardo, because I always noticed him.

"Can I be traded out of Biology?" Edwardo whispered to the receptionist. Hmm, maybe I should try the apple shampoo instead, I thought, but I couldn't, because Stephanie Meyer uses strawberry shampoo.

"No, otherwise you won't get properly acquainted with your future soulmate," the receptionist answered. I couldn't hear properly because I was just out of earshot.

"Nevermind," Edwardo rolled his eyes and stormed out.

The next day, I realized I was very wrong. My very reason for existing-um, I mean, the one random guy Edwardo I met yesterday- was absent. That surely had to do with me, meaning he wasn't in love with me. Sigh. You know, he couldn't be sick or anything.

It was warm outside today. I hissed. The one day my angst needed to look justified and more depressing, the rain was gone.

When I got home, I discovered 500 e-mails, all from Renee:

**Bella,**

**Hi. Tell me how everything is in Knives. Also, I can't find the house. Do you know where I put it? –Mom.**

There were 498 more, mostly asking why I hadn't e-mailed yet, although there were some asking where she had put her computer. The last one read:

**Annabella,**

**If I haven't heard from you in 5 minutes, I'm calling the police. **

**P.S. Although you'll have to tell me what number to dial to get to 911. **

Crap. I checked the clock, relieved that I still had two minutes. I immediately e-mailed back.

**Mom, **

**Calm down! Everything is awful because this guy who I barely know hates me for no reason, but he's too hot to get mad at. Oh yeah, I met some kids at lunch, but who cares because they're not romantic interests. **

**Your house is across the street from the school. **

**Also, could you stop e-mailing every five seconds? It's clogging my inbox. –Bella.**

Charles came home almost right after that, while I was making dinner for him. He hung up his gun, complete with the bullets. He used to take them out when he got home, but as soon as I turned whiny, he started putting them back in. I wonder why…

"That gun still has bullets in it, Bella," Charles commented. I nodded.

"I already know that," I said, puzzled.

"Just making sure you did," Charles called back. We sat down to dinner and talked for a while, but I couldn't stand it; going for more than 5 minutes without talking about the Sullens was driving me insane.

"Do you know the Sullen family?" I blurted.

"Yup, Dr. Sullen is great. He's the only vampire to actually help out people instead of going to high school for the 10th time- I mean, he's a great human," Charles answered.

The next day, Edwardo still wasn't there. Clearly, it was all my fault, because the world revolves around me.

I wallowed in my depression. Even what's-his-face couldn't cheer me up. I blocked out the people trying to constantly talk to me. God, I had no friends in my time of need.

Conveniently, I tuned in when Mike was issuing out an important invitation.

"Want to go to the beach?"

"Only if I can bring Edwardo," I replied subtly.

"He and the Sullens never go to the beach," Jenna explained, "the police are always crawling the beaches, after all. All that body glitter looks suspicious."

* * *

The day Edwardo came back to school, I nearly got hit by a car.

He raced across the parking lot in two seconds, smashed the car to get it away from me, and left us both unscathed. I just had one question- seriously, how did no one else in the parking lot notice him?

Before I could ask Edwardo, Tyler, the person who almost hit me, stalked me.

"Are you OK, Bella? Are you SURE you're OK? WANT ME TO KISS IT AND MAKE IT FEEL BETTER? I'LL PAY YOU ANYTHING TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE MY FRIEND AGAIN! ANYTHING!"

It was almost as creepy as someone watching me sleep would've been.

Finally, I asked Edwardo something I'd been dying to ask him.

"Are you a vampire?" He rolled his gold eyes. Weren't they black yesterday? Or maybe that was his glasses.

"Nope," he answered.

"Are you the gay version of a vampire?" I asked. Edwardo looked taken aback.

"Well- I mean, of course not!" he said incredulously.

"Wait, why did your eyes change? Contacts?" I offered him a simple excuse that would've made sense, but no, he went with,

"It's the fluorescents." An old-timey word! Maybe he was a time traveler!

"I'm going to keep stalking you until I find out what you are!" I huffed. Edwardo rolled his eyes.

"Really, it would be better if you didn't stalk me," he said.

"And why is that?" I asked, my face growing red. Maybe I shouldn't have told him my plan.

"Well, I might be doing some creepy old man stalking in your room every ni- I mean, I'll be going!"

Well. This was going to be harder than I thought.

When I got home, I searched up sumo wrestlers. Edwardo was strong enough to destroy Tyler's car, so maybe he was the sexy version of a sumo wrestler.

Sadly, I found their eyes didn't mysteriously change color.

**Love it? Hate it? Tell me! :) **


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: YAY! So, to everyone who reviewed… I LOVE YOU ALL!**

**Now that I think about it, that sounds creepy, so… thanks :) Also, this chapter is shorter than the others... sorry! I hope you enjoy it anyway :)**

Mike randomly came up to me in the hall like he does every other day. What could it mean?

"Want to go to the dance with me?" he asked. Sigh, of course he wanted to go with me.

"I'm saving myself for Edwardo- I mean, going to Seattle. Go with Jenna, she can HAVE my sloppy seconds," I told him. Mike nodded, looking sad.

I was relieved, until I suddenly saw Eric standing by my truck.

"Want to go to the dance with me?" he questioned. Another one? Jeez! I didn't have time for this!

"Why do you even want to go with me? After the first day we met, I basically ignored you. Besides, I have no personality!" I cried. He shrugged.

"I honestly can't explain it. It's almost like the author was trying to live through you," Eric tried to explain.

Well, hmmph. I bet he still loved me.

And then it was Tyler's turn.

"Want to go to the dance with me?"

"I'm going to Seattle, so just shut up. God, can't I have some peace? Cute guys asking me to dance sucks!" I lamented.

"Poor guys. Hey, want to go to Seattle with me?" Edwardo suddenly asked. GAH, ANOTHER ONE- oh, never mind, it's Edwardo.

"I know you regret not letting the van kill me," I challenged.

"Well, now that you mention it- I mean, nah. It would be better if we didn't stalk each other, but I'm done trying to fight it," Edwardo admitted. I was overjoyed. FINALLY! I could stalk him and get some answers!

"Sounds good!" I said, grinning.

"You really should stay away from me, though," he said. Um, what?

"But you just said you were tired of staying away from me…" I pointed out.

"Yeah, but I'm perfect, so shut up," Edwardo countered. Well, he clearly won the argument there.

* * *

Charles seemed glad I was going to La Shove.

"Maybe you'll finally meet some werewolves!" he had said happily as I left.

When we finally got to the beach, I spotted Jacob, my childhood friend. I decided to flirt with him in exchange for… important information. I winked at him and tried to purr, but instead I ended up sounding like a dying cat.

And we all know Jacob hates cats.

"Want to go somewhere… alone?" I asked, rubbing his back. I totally wasn't leading him on. Jacob rolled his eyes.

"If you get off now, I'll tell you the stories about the pale people," he said, "besides, I only like people younger than 10."

I smirked. I knew he couldn't resist my pasty skin and my alluring stutter.

"So the Sullens are vampires, and I'm a werewolf. I just saved you enough angst for one and a half books. Are you happy?" Jacob explained. I didn't understand.

"So… what you're saying is… the Sullens are pale and cold? But what are they? God, you're no help at all, Jacob!" Jacob was being really cryptic, and my angst meter was full to bursting. I just couldn't take it.

"Forget it. How about you just, uh, look up vampires on Google tonight?" he muttered. I rolled my eyes.

"My dad hates vampires, so why would I look them up? Besides, I'm not even sure that _I_ like vampires," I protested, "unless of course Edwardo happens to be one."

"What about… werewolves?" Jacob said, smirking.

"I like… humans. Or zombies, we kind of work on the same brain level," I answered.

"Oh…" Jacob said, seeming disappointed. Well, if he was human, then why…?

Eh, who knows?

"Gotta go!" I called. When things get awkward, I'm out, which is why I'm rarely home with Charles. We have that in common. That's about all we have in common, because unlike me, he actually has hobbies.

* * *

Could Edwardo be a… snow man? Was that what Jacob was trying to tell me? I mean, it all fit. They melted in the sun and they were extremely pale with little twig arms.

Unfortunately, the thing that didn't fit was that Edwardo didn't have a magic hat like Frosty the Snowman. So I decided to look up vampires instead. It was a long shot, but why not?

I looked it up and found a website titled: **Vampires for Dummies- Could the Sullens in YOUR area be vampires, or just really creepy albinos? **I clicked it, and the article read: **Let me guess, this is Bella. Good. But if it's Jenna, go away, Edwardo doesn't want to stalk you. Neither does Rosalie, so don't even ask again. Besides, she only likes pregnant people. Anyway, yeah, they're vampires. It probably wasn't obvious considering the whole "don't burn in the sun" bit, but you'll find out about that soon enough. So go get your sexy vampire boyfriend, the fantasy of girls everywhere! **

Well, that answered a lot of my questions. Including Jenna's unhealthy obsession with the Sullens.

No, no, my obsession wasn't unhealthy. Please, I was definitely in love.

**Love it? Hate it? Tell me!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: ANOTHER CHAPTER! This focuses on when Bella goes to Port Angeles with Angel and Jenna. Also Edwardo, your favorite creepy vampire, is in it. :) Also, THANKS SO MUCH TO PEOPLE WHO REVIEWED. I worship you. Really. :D**

"Want to go shopping?" Jenna and Angel asked me. Shopping?! God, these people were shallow, needing a new dress for the spring dance!

Then again, I DID need a new full-body cast.

"Mike asked me to go with him to the dance," Jenna kept saying on the drive over, "he didn't ask you, Bella. That's right, he asked me. Jenna. ME!" I wasn't entirely sure what she was saying though, because I usually tuned her out. I'm such a great friend.

I mean, I would totally never ditch my friends for my boyfriend.

I was beginning to get claustrophobic in the tiny dressing room, so I decided to head out of there. Besides, Jenna and Angel were boring me. They were only mere humans.

"Hey, guys, I'm going to the bookstore. Just think of all the supernatural romances I have to compete with!"

As I was heading to the bookstore, a group of guys came out of the shadows. I shuddered, walking faster.

"HEY! YOU!" they kept calling, but I just sped up. Suddenly, Edwardo came zooming in- MY HERO!

He shook them on the shoulders forcefully until they ran off, shooting him a strange look.

"You don't want to know what they were thinking, Bella- it was horrible. They were going to ask you if you like Vampire Diaries!" Edwardo shuddered. I gasped; it was worse than what I had thought!

Wait… what they were thinking?

* * *

Once we got to the restaurant, I asked if he could read minds.

"Isn't that basically what I just said?" Edwardo pointed out.

"Can you read mine?" I asked.

"Nope, just your face, which is very telling. For example, whenever you tell a lie, you smile. You do the same when you're happy. And then when you're upset, you- eh, just kidding, you have no emotions."

Dang it! There had to be something wrong with me! I mean, sure, Edwardo was talking like a crazy person would have, but my brain must be defective or something!

"I'm assuming I can't read your mind because you have no brain. Honestly, it would make sense," Edwardo said, "and by the way, you moaned my name last night. Wonder what you were dreamin-"

"Wait, how'd you know I did…" I said, waiting.

"Uh… vampy sense? Not by creeping in your room, or anything."

"Oh, cool."

A waitress came up and took Edwardo's order, ignoring me. I coughed just to let her know I was also there.

"What do you want?" she snapped at me. Whoa! Maybe she knew about my tendency to get jealous of extremely attractive waitresses. Usually things escalated into me getting kicked out of the restaurant, but Edwardo was staring into my soul, so I forgot how to breathe. With all the times I forget to do that, it's a wonder I'm not dead yet.

"Um… some food, please," I told her, handing her the menu. She rolled her eyes and went back into the kitchen without comment.

"I love you- wait, no, too soon. Must wait until I've known the girl for at least 5 days…" Edwardo mumbled, so low I couldn't make it out. Then, louder, he said,

"I like you, Bella. So, uh, why don't you want to tell your dad I'm going to Seattle with you?"

"Well, first of all, Charles would kill me if I went somewhere alone with a boy. And frankly… he hates vampires. So when you finally officially meet, we'll just tell him you're a werewolf, ok? It's easier that way," I advised him. Edwardo frowned.

"He hates vampires?! I guess I'll go through that torturous pain if it means being with you, Bella," Edwardo decided.

Thank god. I knew what Edwardo was to me now.

It was simple; he was hot, I was… pretty hot. We both had stalkerish tendencies… SOUL MATES.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Once again, to all you people who reviewed… thank you SO MUCH! I love you people. :)**

"Come on, you're going to meet the family," Edwardo told me. I just went along with it… he's too marble-y and vampire-y and hottie-y not to.

"You think they'll like me? I mean, I know people usually just ignore people they don't like, but your family could literally eat me…" Edwardo shook his head, smirking a bit.

"Bella… look at you. Who would want to eat you?" Edwardo said graciously. I'm 95% sure that was a compliment.

"Let's just get this over with. I'm afraid I'll be clumsy and get a paper cut… that'll surely drive vampires wild," I said worriedly.

"Don't be silly, a tiny little drop of blood won't make them go after you," Edwardo explained, "Well, unless it happens to be a plot device." That made me feel better.

When we got to his house, I gasped. The entire house looked like a giant coffin; they must have worked really hard to conceal their identity. I mean, everyone knows vampires never sleep!

Esme and Carlisle greeted us at the door.

"It's nice to meet you," I said. They nodded, shooting each other pointed looks and not saying anything back. Hm…

"Hey, Bella. Your blood smells nice, kind of like freesias," Alice guessed.

"That's what I said!" Edwardo agreed.

"Oh, no, that's just my freesia-scented blood perfume. It's supposed to make your blood smell delectable. They market it to 'crazy Twihards'," I explained. Alice nodded, looking excited.

Jasper just stood there with a pained expression on his face, as always.

"It's from the Botox," Alice whispered to me.

Rosalie and Emmett were nowhere to be seen, and that was fine with me. Last time I saw Rosalie, she threatened to use my skin as a covering to make her seem more human unless I got pregnant.

"I play piano! Just thought I should list my endless accomplishments to make you feel inferior, Bella. First, the vampire Olympics: I won a gold medal in the vampire baseball contest, although I'm pretty sure that was a joke-" Edwardo started. God, he was so perfect.

"Just play for her, Edwardo, while I go get my earplugs," Esme told him, running out of the room. I sat down on the piano bench with Edwardo, eager to hear what was surely the best piano playing ever.

"You inspired this one," Edwardo said. He started playing, and it was amazingly sweet and I wanted a CD to obsessively play over and over again… just kidding, it was awful.

"Um… it's amazing," I lied. Edwardo smirked.

"I know! Terrible music oddly reminds me of you…" Edwardo admitted. Aww. Now THAT was definitely a compliment.

Suddenly, I noticed a huge, clearly 300 year old cross.

"How old ARE you people?" I had to ask.

"Normally I would give you a huge speech with Carlisle's backstory in it, but …nah. Anyway, he's just over 300, and I'm about 175, give or take. When you get this old, you don't really pay attention to birthdays. Although my Sweet 116th was one wild party. You should've- wait, you weren't alive," Edwardo explained. Wow, that kind of sounded creepy… but it's ok, because he _looks_ 17!

Besides, he wasn't THAT old. By the time I was 18, I'd practically be sprouting gray hairs next to him!


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed again :) You're all totally awesome!**

The phone rang, interrupting my deep thoughts on how to show Edwardo off to the school. It would have to be subtle, of course, maybe writing in huge graffiti 'Edwardo totally loves Bella Duck' or 'Bella+Edwardo=together forever… literally'.

"Hi!" I answered the phone. The person on the other end greeted me back, and the voice sounded familiar. I couldn't think of the name because her last name wasn't Sullen.

"So, uh, what's up… um… sorry, what's your name again?" I said back. I was pretty sure it started with a J and was generic so no one could as Mary S- awesome as me, but I still couldn't think of it.

"It's Jenna," Jenna told me. Oh, right, _her_…

I hung up the phone.

"So, Dad, I was at the Sullen's house today. By the way, Edwardo and I are dating and it'll probably last forever, because most high school relationships always last really long," I explained without any warning. Why did Charles look so shocked?

Seriously, what parent freaks out when they realize their kid has been secretly dating someone? Charles was an excellent parent most of the time, never spending any time with me and accepting all my lies, but this was just unbelievable.

"Edwardo Sullen?!" he gasped. I nodded slowly.

"Bella… ARE THE SULLENS VAMPIRES?! I can't allow a vampire in this house! I'm warning you, I bought a whole church with crosses we can hide out in! I bought a house in Italy we can move to! Everyone's tan there, there's a lot of churches and there's a ton of garlic-covered food!" Charles threatened.

"Explains why the most powerful vampire family lives in Italy," I mused.

Wait… he bought a whole church AND a house in Italy? No wonder he freaked out when every one of my mother's spousal support checks mysteriously got "lost in the mail".

Suddenly, Charles left the room. When he came back, he was armed with a flaming pitchfork. I gasped. I couldn't let anyone mar the pale, suspiciously sparkly, creamy, beautiful, angelic, amazing, fierce, awesome, cool, pretty, and vampire-y skin of Edwardo Sullen.

"He's a werewolf!" I lied quickly, "He's an albino one, which is why he's pale and not an Indian!"

"Oh, okay," Charles visibly relaxed, "I'm so proud of you, Bella! Why don't we celebrate by getting you your very first motorcycle? As long as you don't hallucinate, I'm sure it'll be fine! Then again, it's you we're talking about."

"Well, Edwardo's coming in about 2 seconds, sorry for not telling you, and we're playing baseball," I explained in a rush. Charles narrowed his eyes.

"Wait, don't vampires play baseball? Actually, nah, that's too ridiculous for words."

Thank the vampire god he didn't figure it out.

"Hey, Bella? You must really like him to agree to play baseball," Charles said. I nodded in agreement.

"Well, he's pretty rich," I explained.

* * *

Edwardo took me away in his Jeep, and I realized we were going to run part of the way.

Shit, what if Edwardo ran so fast that my Handbook to Becoming a Vampire as Quickly as Possible fell off? It had so many useful tips, like "Marry and have a half vampire child that nearly kills you, so he'll HAVE to turn you into a vampire! And whatever you do, just avoid the name Renesme." Dang, I thought Renesme was a cute original name. Once Jacob told me he had a fantasy about a baby named Renesme. I'm sure he fantasized about running in a field of flowers with her or something nice like that.

"We can't run," I protested weakly. Then Edwardo leaned in and breathed on me. He was doing something I constantly forgot to do so effortlessly, and I envied him for it.

"Yes. We. Can." I gave in instantly, because… well, he was standing really close to me, OK?

"We're here." Edwardo smirked. He does that a lot.

Before the baseball game started, I talked to Esme.

"I'm the mother figure," Esme was saying, "basically, I give sage advice. For example, you're what Edwardo wants for some weird reason, so go for it. Oh, and don't name your future baby Renesme." Why does everyone hate that name?! The two names Renee and Esme go nicely together!

"You sound like me when I'm talking to my mom!" I said happily.

Suddenly, I saw a bunch of blurs and someone called, "OUT!" They had started the game.

"AND THAT'S THE GAME!" Emmett yelled. Wait, what? It was over already?

"Who won?" I asked, confused.

"Me," Edwardo answered. He glared at everyone else, whispering, "Just go along with it, always works with the ladies," to the rest of the vampires.

"WAIT! I see a vision of three vampires. They're normal vampires, and are therefore evil!" Alice interrupted. Oh my god… this was it, wasn't it? The dying I had talking about in the Preface?

Oh wait, there goes the suspense, there's three more books.

**Love it? Hate it? Tell me! **


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Thanks again for reviewing! I idolize you. Really. :) **

"Ooh, you brought a snack. Smells good," James said, creepily staring at me. Damn my delicious smelling blood!

"Only I get to suck her blood! Wait a second, that didn't come out right…" Edwardo cried. Laurent stepped forward to give us advice in a hushed tone.

"He's a master of the hunt," he quickly explained, "although there was that one time when he tried to hunt a baby-sitter, but it turned out she was actually a vampire."

Suddenly, Alice got a weird look on her face and started shaking.

"Is she having a seizure?! I didn't know vampires had seizures… maybe I don't want to be a vampire after all," I gasped. Carlisle shook his perfect head.

"That's just her vision face, vampires can't have seizures. Alice, what do you see?" Well, never mind, turns out vampires really are flawless.

"He's playing a video of Bella's mom in a Halloween store… weird," Alice told us.

"Thank god it wasn't a ballet studio full of sharp mirrors!" Edwardo heaved a sigh of relief.

I noticed Vicky wasn't helping us at all, probably because she had no soul.

Edwardo forced me in the car and we sped away. I would've protested, but hey, this wasn't so bad. The Sullens were the only people whose names I could properly remember, and now I wouldn't have to pause in front of a person and try to think, a strenuous task for me.

"Wait," Emmett said, "what about Charles? He's not an imbecile… well, fine, but he's not a bad parent… oh, wait…" Oh, right, Charles!

"Yeah, I guess we can't leave him," I said grudgingly. Alice sighed.

"Yes, we can. He has a creepy crush on me! He told me to come over and watch a game with him any time!" Alice exclaimed.

"Look," Edwardo interrupted, "hunting is his obsession, and for some strange reason he wants Bella, probably because she smells like freesias. He begins the hunt… tonight. I saw him eating some lumberjacks over in the woods, and weirdly a Monster energy drink, so it's only a matter of time."

"How come he hasn't caught up with us yet? I mean, we're basically sitting and talking, and I thought vampires had super speed," I pointed out.

"Bella, I thought you knew by now, the Sullens are the best at everything. Plus, James' weakness is his speed," Edwardo explained in a "duh" voice. Well, that was convenient.

"Let's hear my plan!" I said suddenly.

"NEVER!" Edwardo said dramatically, "just let the man do all the thinking, don't even try." I ignored him, even though it took all my strength to do it.

"Listen, I tell my dad I'm going to La Shove for a while, he loves it when I go there. Then we can go anywhere and he won't care!" I explained.

"Wow, you actually thought of a good plan for once! Good job, Bella!" Edwardo praised me, patting me on the back slowly.

He pressed his foot to the pedal too hard, and it broke off. The car was stuck at maximum speed. Fine, I'll admit, I might've screamed as we accelerated.

There were no cops around, as Charles was the chief and he was too busy watching football and fishing.

"Bella will go with me. Don't make me go without her. I'm codependent on her already! I can feel my life force… drifting away…." Edwardo said, nearly fainting.

"I can't be away from you for more than 2 seconds, either, but- well, he'll guess that I'm going to be with you," I said logically.

"But what if he thinks it's a ruse and realized you'll be with Alice?" Edwardo asked.

"But what if he thinks that the ruse is really just a ruse so he goes after you?" I argued.

"But what if he thinks the ruse is really just a ruse of the original ruse, and realizes that it's all just a ruse and goes after Alice?" Edwardo protested. OK, now my brain hurt.

* * *

When we got to my house, I caught up with Charles.

"Hey, Ch- Dad, I'm going to La Shove for a while, maybe forever," I told him. Charles shrugged.

"Forever would be preferred," he said happily, "and make sure to hang out with all the werewolves! If one imprints on you, I'll be so proud!" Imprinting? So one of them would know that I was their mother?

After I packed, Edwardo shoved me in the car and we drove off again.

"Hey, what if the tracker attacks you?" I said suddenly. That would be horrible! I could imagine living without Charles, who I'd known my whole life, but Edwardo being gone?!

"I'm fine, Bella, don't try to be selfless and conflicted. That's my job," he dismissed my question.

"I'm totally more selfless than you! I- I- left Phoenix for my mom! Well, ok, she probably would've been happier if I stayed, but that's beside the point!"

"Please, I couldn't harm humans, so now I eat defenseless cute little animals. Plus I can't decide whether I should eat you or not, it's all so _confusing_!" Edwardo complained. I had to admit, he had me beat.

"Fine," I grumbled.

"We'll have to kill James, and possibly Victoria. It seems like she's not going to be at all easy to kill in an anticlimactic battle!" Edwardo explained.

We stopped at the Sullens' house. The huge coffin looked menacing now, if that was even possible.

"Are you sure James will kill Bella if he gets the chance?" Rosalie asked.

"Basically."

"Sounds go- I mean, horrible! Bella, you should go fight James on your own. That should be fun! I bet the tape recording of your mother is actually your mother held captive!" Rosalie sympathized with me. I felt like I'd finally connected with her!

"You're wrong, you know," Jasper said suddenly, his face looking pained, as always.

"What?" I gasped.

"I can tell what you're feeling now- and you're not worth it."


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Sorry for not updating sooner! I had a lot of things for school to do. Anyway, thanks again for reviewing! Enjoy!**

James called me. I glanced around, but everyone was in the other room.

"Come to the Halloween store, I have your mother. See?" James said creepily. I heard her voice: "BELLA? YOU CALL YOURSELF A DAUGHTER OF MINE? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? I WILL DISOWN YOU!" Actually, it sounded a lot like those home videos of when she was trying to teach me how to walk.

"Fine!" I said. I couldn't let my mother know the truth about the big, cruel world out there, so I decided to go. I brought along a PB&J sandwich to comfort her.

"Good!" he hung up. I headed to the Halloween store, anticipating rescuing my mother. Again.

Naturally, when I got there, a home video was playing, me learning how to walk.

"So I betrayed Edwardo for nothing?!" I exclaimed. James wasn't playing fair while he was trying to kill me!

"Well, basically. But then again, I think I might be doing him a favor…" James replied.

"Wait… why do you have a video camera?" I said suspiciously.

"I'm filming this and giving it to Edwardo, right after I post it on YouTube. Now tell him to avenge you… and oh yeah, he also owes me 20 bucks," James answered. I was in grave danger… eh, what else was new?

"Wow, you smell really good… floral, somehow," James commented. At least he was being nice while trying to kill me.

"I know," I agreed. James slammed me against the wall abruptly, and I blacked out conveniently.

* * *

I felt pain in my wrist. Also, I was really, really thirsty. Blood Lite sounded pretty good right now.

Edwardo was busy staring at my wrist.

"So… delicious…" he murmured.

"Edwardo, you must suck out the blood and be the heroic love interest. I can't help because it wouldn't be as romantic that way. Sure, I'd be less likely to kill her, so maybe I should do it- actually, never mind, definitely you," Carlisle told him. Edwardo gasped dramatically.

"But… what if I can't stop?! She smells like freesias and Mary Sue, how could I resist?!" Edwardo cried.

"Oh, just do it, Edwardo. Before she actually becomes a vampire," Alice urged him. Wait. What? I actually wanted to be a vampire!

"Wait, Edwardo, don't- damn it," I started. Edwardo was already sucking the venom out. He kept drinking my blood.

"Can't… stop… but I love Bella! No, I love her blood more! No, I love her! But…" he kept arguing with himself. Finally, Alice had to pull him off me before he drank all of my blood.

"But… Alice, it's dinnertime!" Edwardo whined. I blacked out again.

* * *

When I woke up, I was in the hospital. Thank god, Edwardo was here! And, oh yeah, my mom was here too. That's good, I guess.

"What did you tell Renee?" I asked. Edwardo shrugged.

"I just told her you fell down the stairs and out a window. I'm sure that won't seem suspicious at all." So he told her what happens in a typical day.

"Did I taste good?" I asked. Edwardo sighed.

"Well, yeah. I mean, the main reason I like you is because your blood smells good, so this was even better. If we could come up with an arrangement, like, say, I get to drink a couple ounces of blood every few weeks…?" Edwardo explained.

"I'd rather become a vampire," I said back. Edwardo gasped.

"Bella, NO! You wouldn't smell as good! There wouldn't be any reason to be with you!" he cried.

"Well, I'm glad you're handsome," I muttered. Then again, handsome was too low an adjective to describe him. It was more like, rock-like, Apollo-like, god of the vampires, vampire-y beautiful… never mind, mere words didn't help.

"APOLOGIZE FOR NEARLY DYING BECAUSE OF ME!" Edwardo suddenly yelled. Now I felt terrible… what would everyone on this planet have done with themselves if I died?!

"Sorry for nearly dying against my will," I apologized.

Renee came in, and Edwardo promptly pretended to be asleep.

"Hi, Bella! Do you want to come to Phoenix now?"

"NO!" I screeched, "I actually want to live in Knives, the town I've always hated." Renee shrugged.

"Oh, thank god," she smiled. Poor Mom, without her only child. At least she had Will, "So is it because of the boy? Honestly, do I even need to ask?"

"Of course. He's my life. Which is sort of depressing now that I think about it."

"That's nice, hon. Did you know there's been a crime in the neighborhood? Some punks burnt the Halloween store to the ground. They even left a vampire's remains there! And strangely enough, our home videos…" Mom said. I shuddered.

"Go away, Mom. Edwardo and I need some quality alone time," I said.

"Hm… fine. I was going to go and try to salvage some costumes from the wreckage anyway!" Renee called as she left. Edwardo "woke up".

"Bella… 'He's my life now'? Pfft, you can do better than that. I mean, she's gonna think it's just some silly crush! I want to spend eternity with you! ANYTHING OTHER THAN BEING WITH YOU!" Edwardo ranted, "you'll see…" I agreed, but my mom would've been suspicious of that. After all, Charles had been her first boyfriend, and they hadn't worked out.

Then again, Charles wasn't a hot vampire.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: And finally, the epic conclusion! Sorry it's a bit short! Hmm, wonder where Edwardo's taking her…**

"What's going on, Edwardo? I have a corsage, I'm wearing a prom dress, and you have tickets to the prom… seriously, where the hell are we going?" I asked grumpily.

"I would say I'm shocked you haven't figured it out, but I'm not," Edwardo smiled. He looked perfect as always. His tuxedo made him look even paler.

My one stiletto was making me nervous. Alice and Edwardo _did _realize this was the girl whose mother believed she tripped down three flights of stairs and out a window, right?

Edwardo's ringtone, "I Am A Vampire" went off, and he answered it.

"Charles? Wow, that kid is desperate. Can I talk to him?" Charles?! Why was he calling Edwardo? After the whole James fiasco, Charles had actually given me a curfew. The horror! Well, maybe it's not such a bad thing, it's another unimportant thing to angst over!

"Hi, Tyler? This is Edwardo Sullen. Bella will now be unavailable for the rest of her life, as friends are disposable, unlike boyfriends. Sorry for the inconvenience!" He shut the phone. I gasped.

"You're taking me to prom!" I accused. I couldn't stand having fun.

"Well, yeah, why else would you wear a prom dress?" I blushed. I thought maybe he was taking me away to marry him. I had known him for a month, it was already way overdue.

We arrived at the dance, and it hit me; I actually had to dance. Luckily, Jacob wanted to talk to me before I could.

"My dad paid me," he started, "to say that he wants you to break up with Edwardo. He said it was because he was pale… I think my dad might be a bit racist. I swear I didn't just say that because I'm in love with you…"

Since he was male, he was obviously in love with me, but I decided I believed him. Billy had always had something against vampires. I couldn't imagine why- I thought him and the vampires had always had fun together, like that time Laurent ate Billy's wife because he was thirsty. Ah, good times.

I went back to Edwardo and told him everything. And then, of course, I told him to change me into a vampire.

"No thanks," he answered. I pouted.

"WHY NOT?!" I cried. I tried to give him the puppy eyes, but he remained cold. Well, colder than he usually is.

"Because forever is way too long," he answered.

THE END.


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